The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death
Part 1: Ribbons
Elizabeth sauntered across the lush green fields and twirled in the sun's warm breath. Dawn was coming soon, ready to melt away the frost that lingered on the green elves that lived in her backyard. The sky was painted with blue, playing host to white and gray clouds. It would soon rain, and the beautiful cadences of morning would be lost forever. Elizabeth picked up the hem of her skirt and ran back towards home, hoping she'd make it. Her long, dark hair floated in the wind, blanketing the sky with black. As she ran, her blue ribbon released itself from the knot of her hair. Fear washed over Elizabeth's face; her mother wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.
The Greenly family was almost poor, and the only thing that would bring them into high society would be if either Elizabeth or her blue-eyed sister, Maxine, were to marry. Alison Greenly, the most stubborn yet impatient woman whose ever graced Pennington, was always inviting ideal suitors to the house to meet her two "lovely" daughters.
Elizabeth scoffed at the word lovely; she knew she was nothing of that sort. Now her sister, Maxine, was the definition of the word. She was the fair-haired, blue-eyed beauty of the family and all the men in Pennington adored her. Even though Elizabeth was smarter and stronger, no one paid much attention to her when Maxine was around.
As the blue ribbon danced with the wind, Elizabeth ran hopelessly after it. She did not indeed care what anyone else thought of her but making Mrs. Greenly angry was a mistake that would follow her the rest of her days. Elizabeth would always be thought ill of her if she disappointed her. Losing new ribbons would be something she as a well accomplished seventeen year old girl could never atone for.
The ribbon disappeared into the tall grasses, making Elizabeth's hopes fall deep into the depths of her heart. If her ribbons were dirty, her mother would be just as upset as if she'd lost them. Elizabeth fell to her knees and searched through the grass for her ribbons. Minutes passed, and the rain soon began to fall down hard.
It was dark, the clouds now a sullen gray. The rain acted like a veil, separating her from life as it was. Making it home would be nearly impossible now.
Just when Elizabeth decided to give up, a strong hand slipped into hers and pulled her up. Through the rain, she could make out little about the person who pulled her out of the mud.
It was a man; she could tell this by the strong, firm grip that he had. His hair was a rusty bronze, almost the same color as copper. Like the hands of the large trees, his eyes were a deep green. Elizabeth found solace in his angel's lips, and strong brow. He looked to be someone that she could trust, by the way his expression mirrored sincerity. She had never seen many amiable appearing men in Pennington, though they were rumored to all have lived in London. His posture displayed proper breeding, and his countenance was strong.
"May I ask what you're doing out here in such weather?" the man asked, frowning.
"Looking for something," Elizabeth replied, embarrassed by the thought of what she was really doing.
"Well if you could take some time to help me, I'd be much obliged to you, miss," the man said, gripping the reigns of his horse.
"Yes, I'd be happy to assist you, kind sir." Elizabeth said, nodding her head.
"Please, call me William. William Harvey. Now listen, I'm...," the man started, pointing somewhere behind Elizabeth.
A sense of familiarity washed over Elizabeth. This was the man who was coming to see the Greenly family about marrying the said "beautiful" Elizabeth.
"I'm sorry sir, but I've been reminded of a previous engagement. Good day," Eyes widened in horror, Elizabeth curtsied and then took off running back towards her house, hoping to get there before Mr. Harvey took a hint and started following her. He was too good looking for her, Elizabeth decided, as she ran through the grass. He'd take one look at her and say that he'd rather court someone like Maxine. For once, Elizabeth was grateful for the sky's tears.
When Elizabeth reached the wooden gate to her house, she swung it open and ran sloppily up to the porch. With sudden eagerness, Elizabeth wiped her feet on the piece of cloth and thrust open the front door. There, sitting crossed-legged on the couch, was her mother. She was fanning herself with a worn book, staring out the tear stained tear-stained window. Her golden blond hair fell gracefully around her heart-shaped face, matted down by the sweat that trickled down her rosy cheeks. Elizabeth couldn't stop her heart from beating erratically, but she remained calm as her mother's dark blue eyes locked on her face.
"What on earth happened to you, Lizzie darling?" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging out of her head in fright.
"Nothing much, I...," Elizabeth started, flushing a deep red.
"Your hair, its absolutely atrocious. Where is your ribbons? I spent more than enough on them and you turn around and lose them. Wait till Mr. Greenly hears of this. My, if you were Maxine you'd never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.
"There's no time to fret mother, Mr. Harvey is on his way!" Elizabeth panicked.
"Oh dear God!!" Mrs. Greenly shouted, rising up from her slouch.
Even though they were on their uppers, Alison Greenly managed to hold a household. She picked up her bell and rung it six times, signaling for the maids to come forth.
Lydia and Bertha emerged from the pantry, covered in flour. As Mrs. Greenly laid down the orders, Elizabeth scurried up the steps to the room that she shared with Maxine.
Once in her room, Lizzie found her sister in front of the vanity, brushing her long yellow curls. With hidden envy, Elizabeth stared at Maxine, wishing she could look half as pretty.
"Eliza, you look a mess," Maxine noted, turning to look at her.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, knowing that Maxine would not be the last to comment on her looks if she didn't freshen herself up. With unimaginable haste, Elizabeth ignored her sisters grooming and moved towards the wardrobe their father made them last Christmas.
In one quick swing, she had it open, the dresses exposed to the gray light that peered into their window.
A pink frilly dress happened to be poking out, so Elizabeth pulled it off the rack and laid it across her bed. Then she slipped out of her old dress and threw it in the corner next to countless other dresses that belonged to Maxine.
"What is this about?" Maxine asked, angrily.
"Mr. Harvey, I seen him in the fields. He is coming soon," Elizabeth explained, slipping on the pink dress.
Suddenly, excitement filled Maxine's gait. She soon started helping Elizabeth with her dress and sat her down in the vanity chair.
"Now, we are going to tame these unruly curls, Eliza," Maxine explained, brushing through Elizabeth's long brown hair.
"Nonsense, Max, you know that my hair has always been out of sorts," Elizabeth muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Eliza" was sick of Maxine thinking that she had the answer to everything. She walked around as if she could create beauty on those less fortunate than her. As Maxine tied a new bow in Elizabeth's hair, her eyes filled with fire. For once, she'd like to show her little sister, that she could do things herself.
"You look darling, my dear Eliza. When Mr. Harvey sees...," Maxine started, bracing Elizabeth's shoulders.
Before she could finish, there was a knock at the door. Both Max and Eliza looked up to find Emily, their maid, standing in the doorway.
"Come, Miss Elizabeth, Mr. Harvey is waiting for you. Lady Maxine, you should pray that the angels be on your dear sister's side today," she said, frowning.
"Now, now, Emily, we must not be pessimistic. Our Eliza has had many suitors in the past, she's just never taking a liking to them. I only pray that the angels be with Mr. Harvey. If he can not see that Eliza is an accomplished woman then he may as well be blind. Now run along you two," Maxine replied, kissing Elizabeth on her cheek.
Emily led Elizabeth down the hall, all the while, her gray eyes bore right through Elizabeth's head. After seeing Mr. Harvey, Emily knew that Maxine would make a fine match for him. But Elizabeth, the girl who couldn't seem to hold her tongue around a gentlemen, would not. As Emily followed Elizabeth down the steps, she smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as plain as Elizabeth, would never marry someone like Mr. William James Harvey.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Here at last to review, as requested, Angel!
Sorry for digging an old thread up...
To avoid sounding like you're using a verb overload, why not change the structure somewhat so it reads:
'Elizabeth sauntered across the lush green fields, twirling in the sun's warm breath.'
To avoid the alliteration of 'blanketing' and 'black', why not nix, 'with black.'
Bit of an info dump here, why don't you show rather than tell us this through events. Have a scene in the story where Alison invites suitors in and show the dialogue - it's a great opportunity to insert characterisation; and dialogue is always the cure for showing instead of telling.
Again, try to show this rather than giving us a character profile.
There should be 'for' before the second-last, 'her', so it reads, [...] was a mistake that would follow her for the rest of her days.
Deep into the depths?
Repetition of 'ribbon's here, nix the second one.
There should be a hyphon between amiable and appearing.
The yes is redundant, why don't you simply say, 'I'd be happy to asisst, you, kind sir,' < it moves the story along faster.
You've repeated 'tear-stained' twice. But I do like the metaphor.
Don't forget the apostophe in 'it's.'
Comma after fret.
No need for multiple exclamation marks.
I'm probably being ignorant, but what are uppers?
Signalling has two 'l's...oh no, you use American spelling, don't you? Lol, my mistake.
Don't you mean, 'in front of the mirror' ? You can't really be in front of the vanity. xDD
I'm not sure I like you referring to Maxine as 'Max' out of dialogue, it makes it too colloquial. Keep her nickname for dialogue.
Overall Comments
I
I'm really getting into this. I think a bit more characterisation is necessary of the MC, as we've only heard about her personality from her sister's thoughts at the end. Up till then, I didn't really like her that much. The fact that she's plainer than her sister is good, because obviously, it means the reader can empathise with her. I'm so glad you haven't made her into some blonde-haired, blue-eyed goddess of a woman. Flaws are beautiful, so be sure to embrace them.
II
My main problem is that her dialogue with the man hasn't shown her personality. Seeing as she's loud spoken, from what the sister's told us, she would have been a lot less coy, a lot more brash. I love the fact that she's intelligent and speaks her mind, but you need to show this. Make her be less flirting and shy with whats-his-name, make her show him that she won't be taken advantage of. Strong girls are very good if you're looking to write 18th century novel that isn't cliched, so make sure you embrace her strength, rather than make her a bit flat, a bit simpering.
III
Your opening wasn't the best for dragging me in, as it didn't really scream at me. At the beginning, the character annoyed me because she seemed a bit superficial, worrying about ribbons. If she's strong and brash, she'd probably dismiss the thought of worrying about ribbons. Maybe have her decide not to chase after the ribbons, deciding that it's pointless.
But it is important to note that inspiration for your opening can come from many places and is ongoing. In the end, you, and only you, must put something down on paper. You must commit to one sentence so intense, so powerful that the reader simply cannot stop reading. They no longer care what may or may not be on television or playing at the local cinema, they care only about this world you, YOU, have created for them.
Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen? You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.
IV
One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.
Yours isn't completely flat - you need to beat around the bush less, cut down all the wording, be simple. ^_^ Gah, I feel like such a hypocrite. Since you're writing in an old-fashioned way, you definitely have licence to be wordy. Look at Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Thomas Hardy. Wordy-ness is good, we as classics readers know that, but seeing as your average Joe doesn't really appreciate the style, make the opening a bit simpler, so you'll have them hooked.
V
All in all, it was a lovely little first chapter to this and I'll soon be critiquing the others. I might not be as lenghty as I was in this review, as I tend to give the bulk of my advice in the first chapter critique. But I'll definitely be reviewing later, don't worry about that! Just remember to expand on Lizzie's personality - don't be worried about making her stand on her own two feet and be that strong little character we know's in her!
Good luck and thanks for the read!
-Sarah
xxx
Thanks so much Merry!
Yeah, though I like Jane Austen, I have no clear as to where this came from. Lets just say that when I started writing this, I didn't do any research and it was just on a whim, if you will. But I'm so glad you like this!
*throws confetti*
Thanks again!
~Angel
So when I first reading the beginning, I thought this was a modern story. But man, was I wrong. Angel, you seriously have made my morning even better. I just can't get enough of historical stories. So I thank you.
When I first saw the words skirt and ribbons, I was so happy. Yeah, historicals rock!!
Suitors. Check. High society. Check. Marriage. Check, check, check! Angel, you are amazing!! This is what I have been looking for all along.
Maxine? I've never really heard that name before. Good choice.
Nope, don't want that to happen. God, I can just picture her mother's expression.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Is it a man? Is is a gentleman? Is it a rogue?! (I love rogues)
William? Goodness, I love that name. It's so...oh, I don't know.
Haha!! This seriously made me laugh! I can just picture them covered in the flour. Head to toe.
Okay, I can stand frilly. But, pink? It better be a pale pink.
Angel,
Wow, this first chapter has have me hooked! Man, being high off of coffee (it's the morning) and reading this story...well, you just don't wanna see the outcome.
I do have to ask, were you planning to write in the Regency period? You know the whole Jane Austen period. If you do, I congratulate you. It's a hard thing to get everything put together, especially writing a historical piece. -- For me, it takes forever.
Well, I've got to stop writing and get to read chapter two. Bye!
-Merry
You spelt countenance as countinance.
Very Jane Austen-ish indeed.
The language and eveything seems to be influenced by her writing.
I've recently been reading all her works. Quite similar style.
I guess most of the little errors have been pointed out.
You did a good job!
I can see Elizabeth's character develop quite clearly.
Make Jane Austen proud!
I loved it! I couldn't stop reading, normally it takes so much determination to finish reading something on YWS but i was immediately hooked, ive never really read any austin books before but ive seen pride and prejudice (dont judge me lol) and it reminded me of that, the main charcter Elizabeth's name, that she was quite stubborn and no one thought she was as beautiful as her sister, and the hansum stranger who was thankfully nothing like grumpy Mr Darcey!
i loved it, i want to read more! no bad comments from me, it was great
Thanks to ashleylee, it is edited and some things are different. Enjoy and thanks Ash!
~Angel
Howdy Angel!
, Elizabeth fell to her knees and searched through the grass for her ribbons. Minutes passed, and the rain soon began to fall down hard.
I loved every bit of it!
I have been seeing this for awhile and have finally decided to check it out.
All Comments in bold, corrections in red.
The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death
Part 1: Ribbons
Elizabeth sauntered across the lush green fields and twirled in the sun's warm breath. Dawn was coming soon, ready to melt away the frost that lingered on the green elves that lived in her backyard. Blue painted the sky with clouds of white and gray. I'm not sure what about this sentence bugged me but every time I read this chapter, my eyes would linger on that sentence. I think because you say: "Blue painted the sky" as if Blue is a person probably is the culprit behind this. Maybe just try to reword here. It would soon rain, and the beautiful cadences of morning would be lost forever. Elizabeth picked up the hem of her skirt and ran back towards home, hoping she'd make it. Her long, dark hair floated in the wind, blanketing the sky with black. As she ran, her blue ribbon released itself from the knot of her hair. Fear washed over Elizabeth's face, Should be a semicolon after "face" instead of a comma her mother wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.
The Greenly family was almost poor, and the only thing that would bring them into high society would be if either Elizabeth or her blue-eyed sister, Maxine, were to marry. Alison Greenly, the most stubborn yet impatient woman [s]on the face of the earth[/s] All right, as by the title, I'm guessing this is set in Austen's time. Well, this statement is more modern so try to think of something different like: ...impatient woman in the whole of society or ...woman of all who ever graced the earth. or something like that. Try to incorporate that this is the time, yet you can't have modern sayings, you know?, was always inviting ideal suitors to the house to meet her two "lovely" daughters.
Elizabeth scoffed at the word lovely, Should be a semicolon instead of a period after "lovely" she knew she was nothing of that sort. Now her sister, Maxine, was the definition of the word. She was the fair-haired, [s]blue eyed[/s] blue-eyed beauty of the family and all the men in Pennington adored her. Even though Elizabeth was smarter and stronger, no one paid much attention to her when Maxine was around.
As the blue ribbon danced with the wind, Elizabeth ran hopelessly after it. She did not indeed care what anyone else thought of her but she did not like making her mother angry. This last sentence is oddly worded. Something about the two "did not"'s just doesn't sit well here...Just read through it and maybe something smoother will come to mind. Her mother would always think ill of her if she disappointed her. Losing her new ribbons would be something she as a well accomplished seventeen year old girl could not atone for.
The ribbon disappeared into the tall grasses, making Elizabeth's hopes fall deep into the depths of her heart. If her ribbons were dirty, her mother would be just as upset as if she'd lost them.
Without much thinking "Without much thinking". That's odd. I'm not used to this type of talk so just ignore me if this is right
It was dark, the clouds now a sullen gray. The rain acted like a veil, separating her from life as it was. Making it home would be nearly impossible now.
Just when Elizabeth decided to give up, a strong hand slipped into hers and pulled her up. Through the rain, she could make out little about the person who pulled her out of the mud.
It was a man, Semicolon instead of period after "man" she could tell this by the strong, firm grip that he had. His hair was a rusty bronze, almost the same color as copper. Like the hands of the large elves, his eyes were a deep green. How does his eyes relate to an elf's hands?? I'm slighlty confused here...do you mean "evles eyes"? He was quite handsome. Yes, he seems handsome but I would elaborate even more on this. What makes him handsome besides these things you already pointed out? Also, don't come right out and say he's handsome. Give us more than that
"May I ask what you're doing out here in such weather?" the man asked, frowning.
"Looking for something," Elizabeth replied, embarrassed by the thought of what she was really doing.
"Well if you could take some time to help me, I'd be much obliged to you, miss," the man said, gripping the reigns of his horse.
"Yes, I'd be happy to assist you, kind sir." Elizabeth said, nodding her head.
"Please, call me William. William Harvey. Now listen, I'm...," the man started, pointing somewhere behind Elizabeth.
A sense of familiarity washed over Elizabeth. This was the man who was coming to see the Greenly family about marrying the said "beautiful" Elizabeth. Eyes widened in horror, Elizabeth curtsied and then took off running back towards her house, hoping to get there before Mr. Harvey took a hint and started following her.
He was too good looking for her, Elizabeth decided, as she ran through the grass. He'd take one look at her and say that he'd rather court someone like Maxine. For once, Elizabeth was grateful for the sky's tears.
When Elizabeth reached the wooden gate to her house, she swung it open and ran sloppily up to the porch. With sudden eagerness, Elizabeth wiped her feet on the piece of cloth and thrust open the front door. There, sitting crossed-legged on the couch, was her mother. She was fanning herself with a worn book, staring out the [s]tear stained[/s] tear-stained window. Her golden blond hair fell gracefully around her heart-shaped face, matted down by the sweat that trickled down her rosy cheeks. Elizabeth couldn't stop her heart from beating erratically, but she remained calm as her mother's dark blue eyes locked on her face.
"What on earth happened to you comma Lizzie darling?" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging out of her head in fright.
"Nothing much, I...," Elizabeth started, flushing a deep red.
"Your hair, its absolutely atrocious. Where is your ribbons? I spent more than enough on them and you turn around and lose them. Wait till Mr. Greenly hears of this. My, if you were Maxine you'd never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.
"There's no time to fret mother, Mr. Harvey is on his way!" Elizabeth panicked.
"Oh dear God!!" Mrs. Greenly shouted, rising up from her slouch.
Even though they were almost poor I don't like the "almost poor" thing. Try something more dramatic. It seems too...odd for this kind of text. , Alison Greenly managed to hold a household. She picked up her bell and rung it six times, signaling for the maids to come forth.
Lydia and Bertha emerged from the pantry, covered in flour. As Mrs. Greenly laid down the orders, Elizabeth scurried up the steps to the room that she shared with Maxine.
Once in her room, Lizzie found her sister in front of the vanity, brushing her long yellow curls. With hidden envy, Elizabeth stared at Maxine, wishing she could look half as pretty.
"Eliza, you look a mess," Maxine noted, turning to look at her.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, knowing that Maxine would not be the last to comment on her looks if she didn't freshen herself up. With unimaginable haste, Elizabeth ignored her sisters grooming and moved towards the wardrobe their father made them last Christmas.
In one quick swing, she had it open, the dresses exposed to the gray light that peered into their window.
A pink frilly dress happened to be poking out, so Elizabeth pulled it off the rack and laid it across her bed. Then she slipped out of her old dress and threw it in the corner next to countless other dresses that belonged to Maxine.
"What is this about?" Maxine asked, angrily.
"Mr. Harvey, I seen him in the fields. He is coming soon," Elizabeth explained, slipping on the pink dress.
Suddenly, excitement filled Maxine's gait. She soon started helping Elizabeth with her dress and sat her down in the vanity chair.
"Now, we are going to tame these unruly curls, Eliza," Maxine explained, brushing through Elizabeth's long brown hair.
"Nonsense, Max, you know that my hair has always been out of sorts," Elizabeth muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Eliza" was sick of Maxine thinking that she had the answer to everything. She walked around as if she could create beauty on those less fortunate than her. As Maxine tied a new bow in Elizabeth's hair, her eyes filled with fire. For once, she'd like to show her little sister, that she could do things herself.
"You look darling, my dear Eliza. When Mr. Harvey sees...," Maxine started, bracing Elizabeth's shoulders.
Before she could finish, there was a knock at the door. Both Max and Eliza looked up to find, No need for the comma after "find" Emily, their maid, standing in the doorway.
"Come, Miss Elizabeth, Mr. Harvey is waiting for you. Lady Maxine, you should pray that the angels be on your dear sister's side today," she said, frowning.
"Now, now, Emily, we must not be pessimistic. Our Eliza has had many suitors in the past, she's just never taking a liking to them. I only pray that the angels be with Mr. Harvey. If he can not see that Eliza is an accomplished woman then he may as well be blind. Now run along you two," Maxine replied, kissing Elizabeth on her cheek.
Emily led Elizabeth down the hall, all the while, her gray eyes bore right through Elizabeth's head. After seeing Mr. Harvey, Emily knew that Maxine would make a fine match for him. But Elizabeth, the girl who couldn't seem to hold her tongue around a gentlemen, would not. As Emily followed Elizabeth down the steps, she smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as plain as Elizabeth, would never marry someone like Mr. William James Harvey.
This is actually a really adorable start. Your descriptions are 'mazing, Angel!
The only thing is that the sudden drastic switch when she first met Mr. Harvey. Wouldn't she be more of a lady and excuse herself polietly. Or is Elizabeth more of a rebel?
I guess I will just have to read the other installments and find out, now won't it? lol
Thanks so much for finding the mistakes that I probably would have never ever found Esme. It'll take me some time to come back to fix this but I'll get on it soon.
Thanks again,
Angel
Angel of Death,
I’ll start out by saying that the text would be easier to read if it were spaced. Of course, that never stopped anyone if the story was interesting, but still… Anyway. I’ll start out by a line-by-line crit, and then move on toward any comments and impressions that I might have.
Quote:
Fear washed over Elizabeth's face, her mother wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.
Run on sentence, lack of a linking word. Italics needed?
Quote:
Alison Greenly, the most stubborn yet impatient woman on the face of the earth,
Heh.
Quote:
Elizabeth scoffed at the word lovely, she knew she was nothing of that sort.
“Lovely”, now, would need to be in italics, or in quotes.
[b]
Quote:
She was the fair-haired, blue eyed beauty of the family and all the guys around Pennington adored her
“Guys” just does not fit. “Men”, perhaps?
Quote:
She did not indeed care what anyone else thought of her but she did not like making her mother angry.
“She indeed did not care (…)”
Quote:
Losing her new ribbons would be something she as a well accomplished seventeen year old girl could not atone for.
“Her:, “her“, and “her” again. Consider: “Losing new ribbons would be (…)”
Quote:
Without much thinking, Elizabeth fell to her knees and searched through the grass for her ribbons.
“Ribbons”, “ribbons”. Consider avoiding the word up there.
Quote:
"Well if you could take some time to help me, I'd be much obliged to you, miss," the guy said,
I cringe at that word in this story, I really do.
Quote:
"Yes, I'd be happy to assist you, kind sir." Elizabeth said, nodding her head.
Comma.
Quote:
Now listen, I'm...," the man started,
No comma! A plain ellipse would do.
Quote:
For once, Elizabeth was grateful for the sky's tears.
Nice.
Quote:
"What on earth happened to you Lizzie darling?"
Commas.
Quote:
"Nothing much, I...,"
No comma!
Quote:
"Your hair, its absolutely atrocious.
Hyphen? And apostrophe.
Quote:
My, if you were Maxine she'd never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.
“My, if you were Maxine YOU’D never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.”
Quote:
"There's no time to fret mother, Mr. Harvey is on his way!" Elizabeth panicked.
Comma before mother.
Quote:
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, knowing that Maxine would not be the last to comment on her looks if she didn't freshen herself up
Good one.
Quote:
Even though they were almost poor, Alison Greenly managed to hold a household.
Phrase already used, at the very beginning.
Quote:
"Eliza" was sick of Maxine thinking that she had the answer to everything
“to be sick of” also does not strike me as a phrase used by a lady, or a narrative from more or less that lady’s POV.
Quote:
"You look darling, my dear Eliza. When Mr. Harvey sees...,"
No comma!
Quote:
As Emily followed Elizabeth down the steps, she smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as ugly as Elizabeth, would never marry a guy like Mr. William James Harvey.
*cringes* The horror of the word “guy”. No last comma.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL…
- yes, I’ll start out with the spacing, even though that’s covered. Nitpicky, I am.
- paragraphs, and visuals. It’s the content that is important, aye, not the package? Wrong, at least up to a point. Refer to the above point, but it can put off. However, refer only slightly, because here I wanted to emphasize the paragraphs, ones that could be (some!) merged into one. An example of that can be seen at the very beginning (paragraph 1 and paragraph 2).
- repetitions. Play around with the sentences, juggle the words. Eventually an option that does not include the unneeded word shall appear.
- I’d also like to see more descriptions. At the beginning there was a lot, and I was quite happy with that, but then the flow of visuals decreased. An example of a scene I’d like to see elaborated is the intro of the mother.
- punctuation, slightly. But only slightly.
- the rush. Refer to descriptions, which would slow the action down. An example would be the scene just after the mother’s intro, with “Mr Harvey coming”. That was way too fast.
LOVELY!
- title - it’s fantastic, and caught my eye.
- vocabulary, and some fantastic phrases, e.g. “sky’s tears”
- pretty character names.
- the characters themselves. Emily is my new best friend.
Well, that would be it. Thank you for posting,
Esme
Wow. I love the story. And yes, there isn't anything that the others didn't say already. Keep it up.
Looks like someone is inspired by Jane Austen...
The title and Elizabeth... I suppose this takes place in the same time as Austen's (or that's how I felt) so I don't quite like the names Maxine and Alison. They don't fit in. But I know you can't change the names of the characters that easily, it's like ripping off their souls or something... 
Overall, pretty nice job here. The others have pretty much said it all.
See you around!
Demeter
Iamjustbored you should be very happy to know that "Prince Charming" to me is played out. In this story I really want to capture the essence of the hardships of love and especially lost.
Also, Elizabeth's relationship with her mother will be cleared up later on. Thanks for giving me pointers, I'm basically writing this story off the top of my head, so a lot of critiquing will be helpful.
Leahweird, it is so nice to know that my portrait of two different sisters was taken well. I am an only child and I have no clue on what it feels like to envy another sibling.
Thanks everyone for the help,
Angel
You have a noticeable theme of Superiority. I would like to this the story develop. Perhaps Elizabeth's inferiority to her sister and her passiveness toward her mother indicates some sort of early trauma, abuse maybe.
I would avoid the cliche of 'Prince Charming' falling in love with her--they are both flawed but love each other for their flaws. That topic is overdone.
Personally, I would like to see a relationship between the mother and Elizabeth grow rather than have a third party act as a hero.
As long as you avoid the 'Prince Charming' theme I would enjoy reading this novel.
I love this line. Particulaly the word Cadences.
You used something like this in Cupid, it's nice, but tyou might ant to watch out for it.
Her mother seems reaally over-zealous about the ribbons, but that might be just her character.
I Love this line. Amazing metaphor.
This line really sums up how Elizabeth feels about her sister.
This is probably a typo.
I don't like the word "Guy" here, a different one would fit the peice better.
Overall, I really liked this. especially think your use of imagry is stunning. The others are right. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between the sisters. They seem real. Ther's nothing going on there but a bit of normal jealosy. Well done.
It was good. I'll go on and read more.
But there wasn't anything I could see that needed to be fixed that isn't mentioned. There is a whole lot of describing though.
TNC
Ai yi yi. The way you described everything was simply breath taking. You wrote so well it was as if I was practically there. You did sometimes go overboard on the details, and you shoved them in our face all at once.
I love this paragraph, I really do. It's so descriptive and well written! Shall we pick it apart?
The only thing I don't like is how you worded the first sentence beautifully, and it was about the scenery. "The beautiful cadences of the morning." Scenery. But the thing is sweetheart, thats all the detail we need for this pararaph. "she picked up the hem of her tan skirt"... this is my only problem: the word 'tan.' I beg of you, get rid of it! IT SHOULD DIE!
No, it shouldn't die. But the detail of scenery was so overwhelming that I just, well, you set me off the color tan forever.
I apologize. I'm a freak. NEXT PARAGRAPH!
Okay, let's first point out "her mother would wouldn't approve of her". Get rid of the first would, and you're dandy. And when you describe the ribbon, settle on "navy" or "blue", but not both, alright? They're both the same thing, "her navy ribbon" sounds just as good as "her blue ribbon." Less words pack more punch.
You spend so much time in the scene before explaining, "Oh, her mother will murder her if her ribbon is the slightest bit tarnished." or whatever you said. Her mother is sitting on the couch and says nothing about the ribbon. If you don't lead your statements with facts, your story will fail to make sense. Do you see?
I'm confused. Who is smiling wryly to themselves? The maid or Eliza? You make Elizabeth sound so pretty in the earlier paragraphs. And er, who is this philospher? Are you referring back to some saying or something? Or is emily (which I highly doubt) a philospher! I know I said less words pack more punch, but sometimes you have to elaborate a tad on things like these. Try not to use "he" and "she" unless you are sure the reader knows exactly who you're referring to.
I liked it, and I can't wait for more! You writing is absoloutely amazing, and the story is great. I can't wait for Part 2.
Thanks for the help Jesse and Seshat. I really wouldn't have caught on to some of the things that were pointed out.
Thanks again,
Angel
I know it's nitpicky, but it till hopefully help you!
[/quote]her mother would highly disapprove of her losing her ribbons.
it should be 'cross-legged'. Maybe you could say tear-stained window, going back to your 'sky's tears' reference, I think it'd be cute.
Also, in dialogue, you have to put a comma every time before someone says the name of the person that they are talking to.
I really loved this! You have really awesome imagery, it's good in a story like this.
Ill start off with the compliments. Your imagery is crazy good, I just started reading not to long ago, but this is the best Ive seen yet. That first paragraph just made me smile. This story set me off really quick. I really like the way you Tell something, then show something soon after. Your personification is also incredible.
I cant quite put a face on how old the main character is. At the start, she sounded younger, but then it talks about marrying.
"She was the fair-haired, blue eyed beauty of the family and all the guys around Pennington adored her."
This image totally played up in my mind. But I would write and all OF the guys adored Pennington adored her
Your the writer but i just didn't appreciate the last name Harvey
Wow i guess thats it. Well anyways, PM me when you post more. I love the way you write, and surprisingly this 18th century romance